May 11th

Whenever asked what the most defining moment of my life was my answer was always easy. When I was 14 my mom got really sick and the day of her surgery she sat me down and we had the "if I don't come home today I need you to raise your little sisters right the way I've raised you" speech. At 14, that is a really hard thing to sit through and changed me, but so did what happened a few weeks ago.

On May 11th I got a call from Nicole letting me know that one of my best friends Austin had been killed. I had 20 people in my back yard for an end of the year BBQ that was thankfully ending soon. I still have no idea how I manage but I held it together until they left, then that's when I hit the floor in devastation. How could someone so full of life be gone? 

Austin was killed in a car accident while studying abroad in New Zealand, he was having the time of his life. It was said by more than one person that a day with Austin was like 5 days with any other person. He managed to squeeze every bit of experience and adventure out of everything. It didn't matter if you were out and about at 2am or simply sitting on the couch talking, it was monumental. 

Austin,

I’m trying so hard not to ask why this happened. I don’t understand, I’m hurting and frustrated but deep down I know there is a plan. It is a plan bigger than you and me and I have to accept that this is a part of it. Even though I don’t understand it I have to put faith in this or else I will never be able to get beyond this. It hurts, everything hurts. I find myself just sinking to floor not sure what I was doing. I know you’re in a good place, free of pain, free of doubt and any of the other things this crazy life brings. I’m sad for my own selfish reasons that I can’t see you, sit up all night talking, make  cinnamon roles….i just miss you and could really use one of our long talks to get through this. You were such a special part of my life, it will never be ok that you’re not here. You were one of the brightest people, your spirit and zest for life was contagious to anyone who had the opportunity to know you. I’m honored to have had you be such an important and inspirational part of my life. I love you more than you could possibly know. Please just come back? Please let this be some silly little ploy to put you in the center of attention (you’re favorite place and I say that in the most loving way). I keep remembering the little things…cinnamon roles at the park, when you stopped by just to say hi and we ended up sitting at the counter talking until 2 or 3 am about anything and everything. That new year’s eve, I now hold that as one of my most precious memories, when you drove me to top of the world so we could watch the first sunrise of the new year together. You were truly one of the most romantic suckers I’ve ever met. Remember dancing/singing/ jumping on your couch to the Lion King songs and baking at your house. That night we took Nicole to Harbor house and went to the beach after and when we got back to your house..she definitely caught us. When we all went toilet papering and made my mom mad because we were too loud, countless game nights, our trip to Disneyland together hours before I left for my semester abroad. One of my last memory was when you had to come home for your grandfather’s funeral. It was devastating but I will forever be grateful for the timing because it put us both home at the same time and gave me the opportunity to spend a few more precious hours with you. Austin, I need you now like you needed me then. I can’t deal with this loss alone. You owe me. Plus you broke our pre college pinky promise so technically you double owe me. A light went out yesterday that can never be re-lit, you are absolutely irreplaceable and a little piece of all of us went with you yesterday. I have to accept that this is part of some greater plan if I’m ever going to stop falling apart. I can’t stand admitting to myself that you’re not here. Your family, Austin you held everyone together, they will never stop hurting over this. I love your family more than even I understand, it was like a second home to me. I promise I will do my best to take care of Nicole and be there to support your mom. You were the light of their life, if I’m hurting this much I can’t even imagine the devastation they feel. I’m so grateful that we have the gospel in our lives that as much as this hurts we know it isn’t the end. I know that you will be at the gates to meet us when our time comes, but even still that isn’t much of a comfort right now. You were supposed to grow old with all of us, I just don’t understand. I probably never will but please walk with us and give us the strength to live on in your memory. 


i just miss you.