May 11th

Whenever asked what the most defining moment of my life was my answer was always easy. When I was 14 my mom got really sick and the day of her surgery she sat me down and we had the "if I don't come home today I need you to raise your little sisters right the way I've raised you" speech. At 14, that is a really hard thing to sit through and changed me, but so did what happened a few weeks ago.

On May 11th I got a call from Nicole letting me know that one of my best friends Austin had been killed. I had 20 people in my back yard for an end of the year BBQ that was thankfully ending soon. I still have no idea how I manage but I held it together until they left, then that's when I hit the floor in devastation. How could someone so full of life be gone? 

Austin was killed in a car accident while studying abroad in New Zealand, he was having the time of his life. It was said by more than one person that a day with Austin was like 5 days with any other person. He managed to squeeze every bit of experience and adventure out of everything. It didn't matter if you were out and about at 2am or simply sitting on the couch talking, it was monumental. 

Austin,

I’m trying so hard not to ask why this happened. I don’t understand, I’m hurting and frustrated but deep down I know there is a plan. It is a plan bigger than you and me and I have to accept that this is a part of it. Even though I don’t understand it I have to put faith in this or else I will never be able to get beyond this. It hurts, everything hurts. I find myself just sinking to floor not sure what I was doing. I know you’re in a good place, free of pain, free of doubt and any of the other things this crazy life brings. I’m sad for my own selfish reasons that I can’t see you, sit up all night talking, make  cinnamon roles….i just miss you and could really use one of our long talks to get through this. You were such a special part of my life, it will never be ok that you’re not here. You were one of the brightest people, your spirit and zest for life was contagious to anyone who had the opportunity to know you. I’m honored to have had you be such an important and inspirational part of my life. I love you more than you could possibly know. Please just come back? Please let this be some silly little ploy to put you in the center of attention (you’re favorite place and I say that in the most loving way). I keep remembering the little things…cinnamon roles at the park, when you stopped by just to say hi and we ended up sitting at the counter talking until 2 or 3 am about anything and everything. That new year’s eve, I now hold that as one of my most precious memories, when you drove me to top of the world so we could watch the first sunrise of the new year together. You were truly one of the most romantic suckers I’ve ever met. Remember dancing/singing/ jumping on your couch to the Lion King songs and baking at your house. That night we took Nicole to Harbor house and went to the beach after and when we got back to your house..she definitely caught us. When we all went toilet papering and made my mom mad because we were too loud, countless game nights, our trip to Disneyland together hours before I left for my semester abroad. One of my last memory was when you had to come home for your grandfather’s funeral. It was devastating but I will forever be grateful for the timing because it put us both home at the same time and gave me the opportunity to spend a few more precious hours with you. Austin, I need you now like you needed me then. I can’t deal with this loss alone. You owe me. Plus you broke our pre college pinky promise so technically you double owe me. A light went out yesterday that can never be re-lit, you are absolutely irreplaceable and a little piece of all of us went with you yesterday. I have to accept that this is part of some greater plan if I’m ever going to stop falling apart. I can’t stand admitting to myself that you’re not here. Your family, Austin you held everyone together, they will never stop hurting over this. I love your family more than even I understand, it was like a second home to me. I promise I will do my best to take care of Nicole and be there to support your mom. You were the light of their life, if I’m hurting this much I can’t even imagine the devastation they feel. I’m so grateful that we have the gospel in our lives that as much as this hurts we know it isn’t the end. I know that you will be at the gates to meet us when our time comes, but even still that isn’t much of a comfort right now. You were supposed to grow old with all of us, I just don’t understand. I probably never will but please walk with us and give us the strength to live on in your memory. 


i just miss you.

whooooosh

that's the sound of another month and a half gone. It just disappeared, if you find it let me know because there is a large to do list I was supposed to have accomplished by now that is still sitting undone.

I'm officially on the countdown to graduation, 8 weeks or something like that. Seriously? that can't be real, well at least it doesn't feel real yet. (maybe once I start attacking that checklist) I have finished one thing though...I've officially applied to grad school. This was never in the plan, but it seems that 95% of the way my life has worked out in the last 4 years was not part of any plan. If I get into grad school then I will be staying in Chico for another 2 years. I have some mixed feelings about that, but overall I think it is going to be a good thing. So now I just have to patiently play the waiting game to see how it all pans out.

Now update:

We ran in the "Habitat Home Run" 5k, we then planned on running together again which has yet to happen but we'll get around to it eventually :)

We BBQ, I live in the best house this year. It is perfect and I never want to move out.

I have the BEST job and coworkers.

My Valentines = Duke and Bryan. Standard.

I've been nannying these two amazing little ones and I'm head over heels in love with them.

Cooking has become my new favorite thing, and luckily I'm not half bad.

[ps. that lemon bar was totally from scratch, fresh squeezed lemons and all]

Oh, and that is Duke's "you better give me a bite" face.

I still scrapbook, my brother likes to play in the garage, Habitat is my other life outside the WREC and I still have this wonderfully strange little snake.

Alpha Sigs SUPER SOCIAL.

the end.

Holly, rest in peace beautiful girl.

I was sitting at work Monday when I got a call from Sarah.

S: "have you been on facebook today?"
A: "no, should I go on?"
(assuming there was a new friend to stalk and gossip about)
S: "yes, you need to. Holly Barish was hit by a car and died last night, I know you were friends with here and I don't know how to tell you this. I hoped you would see it and find out, but you need to know."

Devastation is the only word for something like this. For her close friends, family, and she would be disappointed if we left out her cat, there must be an emptiness that will never quite be filled. Holly was such a ray of sunshine in so many people's lives. She was probably one of the most unique and genuine girls I've ever had the opportunity to meet. She put a smile upon everyone's face that she came into contact with. We weren't amazingly close after high school but there was a time when she was there for me and helped me gain that closure you need to truly let something go. Life is way to short and fragile. Today is the only thing we can be sure of and it was something she lived for. Holly lived for each day. Holly, I'm not sure why this was your time but you are greatly missed by so many people. Even in death you've managed to bring people back together. I wish I could be there with everyone to celebrate your life. Sarah took a flower to your accident site for me. And thank you Sarah, I sincerely can't tell you how much that meant to me today. There aren't words to describe what a special and unique person we've lost, but you're in an amazing place now and we will all see you again. Please rest in peace beautiful girl.

planner FREAK.

So, I graduate in May. People are constantly asking me what I'm going to do after graduation...quite honestly, I'm not sure and that is amazingly liberating. I'm a planning FREAK, my planner is marked up, well worn and abused. I literally can hardly function on a day to day basis without it. I'm also the person who has had countless life plans all of which have fallen through the cracks. I have ideas of what I want to do after graduation, but nothing set in stone. I say this is liberating because for the first time ever I'm not worried about not having a solid plan, I'm totally alright with a little bit of unknown. It hasn't always been smooth sailing but my life has gotten me to good places and exactly where I've been meant to be so far.

In the mean time I'm enjoying this amazing semester. Two classes, a job, dog, house, church, family, friends, and everything I could ask for. One day at a time, and May will come soon enough with whatever adventures are beyond that.

last first week of school.

it was the best yet. Kristin flew in on Saturday.
we went on hikes,



got a little mud on the tires and went to the shooting range,



took pictures,




went to the match factory and train yard,






went to church, FHE, pita pit, the Bear, on another hike and this was all by Wednesday. Thanks for coming to visit Kristin!!!

The rest of my week was made up of work, school, and that's about it. I'm taking a soccer class, got my cleats...so stoked! Then Friday there was dinner and a movie, Saturday was our House Dedication Ceremony for Habitat for Humanity. There will be picture of this when I get them. It was amazing to officially and over the keys and see all the nails, calking, siding and paint finally becoming homes for people. Of everything I've done here at Chico, Habitat will always my some of my most proud moments.

Then Saturday blurred into tire flip with Travis, Yoga with some of the the girls, out to dinner for Mariana's birthday, out with lots of co-workers and then the rest of the madness that Chico holds on a Saturday night. But it ended with these hot messes and Mr. birthday boy Alex who probably never wants to drink again.



you should envy me, my life is pretty amazing. Chico, it's going to be the best yet.

obsessed.

winter break pt. 2

So I flew back up to Chico in the 29th...great planning right. Head to a studentless town two days before New Years. It ended up way better than I thought it would though. Anyways...

I got home, unpacked, the usual. Went out to lunch the next day, had a good conversations that cleared up a lot. That chapter of my life was overdue closing time. Letting go came far easier than I thought it would, I have the advice of a wonderful friend to thank for that.

Then back to New Years. It started out with a morning hike with Caitlin, Tom and Cody in upper park. Perfect morning. I then suggested a BBQ at my house, our plan of 4 turned into at least 14 people coming over. It was a lot of fun, minus the fact that my hair dryer smelt like a bonfire for the next week and a half (don't ask, i'm not even sure). I then went to the church New Years dance with Holly, karaoke, wii just dance, and 2 am jacuzzi sesh. It was a good night.

Then intersession started. I'm taking E-marketing, I actually LOVE the class. Except today, when I took cough medicine before class...not advised it makes you feel like you head is in a big giant cloud.

BUT the most eventful thing so far was my wonderful little house got broken into last week. Yes, it sucked and yes, we got A LOT stolen, but I'm not going to stay nervous or bitter about it. It felt violating, upsetting, frustrating, confusing and all of the above. But my dad gave me a wonderful little bit of advice growing up..."you can stay mad or get over it, but by staying mad you are only further hurting yourself." So there you have it, congratulations robbers you got away with it, life is going to bite you in the butt later. And I saw a lot of good come out of people as well, my neighbor was amazing and I had some phenomenal friends willing to do anything to help. Bad luck seems to be a reoccurring theme, my life is scattered with a series of unfortunate events (stolen bike, 2 car crashes, broken bones, 10 shoulder dislocations, 3 surgeries, car broken into, house robbed, ect....) but I still think I'm one of the luckiest people alive. I have an amazing family, education, friends, religion, direction, job and determination. So, 2012 here we go. I'm going to make the most of you good and bad. It's going to be a good one. 2 weeks until semester starts, then it's the wind down towards graduation. I'm getting as much as I can out of this wonderful little town before I leave.